Christian Alternatives: Do it RIGHT, For the Love of God!

I've been thinking, as well as talking to many a Christian friend of mine [meaning around....two people], and the things I have been telling them fall somewhere along the lines of 'Christian Metal [with exceptions] seems to me a watered-down version of the real thing'. Not just metal, but the whole 'hard music' scene in general [check out Pillar, P.O.D., Thousand Foot Krutch]. This got me started on a whole chain of thought revolving around the concept of Christian musicians/media and the market for Christian merchandise trying to sell stripped-down [comparable to fat-free] alternatives to youth-group kids across the globe. I put together a few specific things, and they are as follows:


Bible Man.
Are you freaking kidding me? Look at that. Can't have our kids watching Superman stomp a mud hole in the arse of Bizzaro, and God-forbid they should witness a good ol' blue-collar beating at the hands of Wolverine or Spider Man. This hero delivers a beating of a different kind, a good hard Bible-thumping!
Moving along.....

Godtube- The Christian YouTube alternative. http://www.GodTube.com
Man, are you kidding me? Talk about gee-ay-why, this is a good, healthy and neo-nazi way to keep your kids from watching those filthy videos of the dude inflating a condom on his head through his nose. If you REALLY new how to raise your kids, i don't think this would even be necessary, you stupid 'I work 16 hours a day and therefore have no time to instill proper values into my children, so I'll let GodTube do it for me' parents.

MyPraize- The Christian Alternative to MySpace. http://www.MyPraize.com
What? Great way to keep kids from getting raped via the Internet! What makes you think a pedophilic murderer is going to look here, and say 'Nah, I won't rape a Christian, I ain't dirty like that'? Man, if you're stupid enough to get raped by some pedophile that found you online, it's bound to happen no matter where you go. Ever heard of a Catholic Priest? But man, spelling Praise with a Z sure makes this site much more edgy and appealing to teens.


Testamints- The Mint With A Message
What? Stay away from the Ice-Breakers, 'cuz if you enjoy an Ice-Breaker, you're breakin' your way to hell! Enjoy this Testamint instead! Not only do they taste all too much like the wrapper they were placed in, but each individual candy, as well as the whole package, has a nice little Bible verse printed on the side! What a great way for you to never open your Bible again! Genuine time spent with God in reading and prayer? Naaaaahhh. Crappy mints with tiny little versus printed on them? Yes, please!

If you would do it right, I wouldn't HAVE to watch violent comic-book movies, or listen to that vulgar secular music.